Due to various current circumstances in my life, I've needed to spend an inordinate amount of time on the phone with individuals such as lawyers, insurance adjusters, contractors, siblings, credit card companies, medical centers, and others.

Actually, to say that I've been "on the phone" with them is a complete mis-characterization. Rather, it would be much more accurate to say that I've been on the phone with their voice-mail systems.

And while I can readily acknowledge the utility of voice-mail, I've always loathed it. But never as much as I have lately.

I wish, for the inventor of voice-mail, a special version of eternity. May he or she be forever doomed to an eternity of:

"Thank you for your call. You call is important to us. In order to expedite your escape from Hell please listen carefully to the following options."

"To leave Hell, please press 1 now"

"You have chosen to leave Hell. To leave Hell in English please press 1 now"

"Unrecognized response. Please press 1 to continue to leave Hell."

"If you would like to leave Hell, please press 1 now or 2 for other options"

"You have chosen to leave Hell. Please press 1 to obtain literature on why you should stay in Hell in eternal agony or press 2 to continue"

"Are you sure you want to leave Hell? Press 1 for yes and 2 for no"

"You have chosen to leave Hell. Please stay on the line while we connect you to the next available demon"

(Air Supply plays)

"We're sorry, all demons are currently tormenting other sufferers. Please press 1 to continue your agony in Hell, or stay on the line for the next available demon"

(K. C. and the Sunshine Band plays)

"We're sorry for your interminable wait. Please press 1 to stay in Hell, 2 to continue waiting in agony or 9 to hang up and stay in Hell in agony"

"Thank you for your call. You call is important to us. In order to expedite your escape from Hell please listen carefully to the following options."

(until Hell freezes over)