But you? You know dick, probably mostly with the right hand. You've been nowhere. You think big screen TVs are cool. You still eat Doritos, and if you don't you think your store-bought Men's Health righteous foodie veneer is all women 10 years older than you want. Out with the beer gut! In with the body sprays and the organic vegan worker-certified chocolates! And you've seen Wedding Crasher, so you know what to do, and you've seen 40-Year Old Virgin, so you know what not to do. Sad.
Yes, some women will find your hormone-driven directness adorable, your youthful energy invigorating, your ambition stimulating, your waxing routine thoughtful.
Sadly, that's no longer enough. Women love to laugh, or virtually all of them say. If it's at a man's expense, even better. So let me give you a look at what you'll be hearing on your next approach to that hot mama 35 or older. A word to the wise, bud: after a certain age, a good laugh is so much more appealing than you will ever be. Throw on all the Drakkar Noir you want:
I offer up right here a number of rejections the ladies can use in terms you should be able to understand.
Top 10 Lines 35+ Women Will Now Use on 20+ Hound Dogs
- 10. (Umbraged) Who do you think you are, Ashton Kutcher?
- 9. (Earthy) Call me when your bones have set, kid.
- 8. (Gross yet strangely poignant) You must have more years of age than I have had yeast infections to enjoy this ride.
- 7. (Unsettling) Honey, I'm old enough to be your mother. Well, if I had been female at the time...
- 6. (MLM) Tell you what. Come on by Thursday about 6:30 and wear something comfortable. I have some exciting information I want to share with you!
- 5. (Off-putting) Let's talk later. If I don't get to the Black Angus in 15 minutes that bitch redhead with the go-funny eye will grab my corner stool. (Expect to hear some smacking gum with this one.)
- 4. (Staten Island Princess) Look, honey, yuhr young, ya gawt a nice tuckus and a decent head on ya shouldahs. Yer an ass-kickah, really! But the style, deah, the style! Where's Park Avenue, where's the 530i, the diamond tennis bracelet? A'right? Now be a good boy, my Poopsie could use a walk, run alawng now.
- 3. (Charmed freak) I just can't right now. Randall got to the Poissant Key after defeating the Oracle of the Gateway in battle! If he recites the Turmoil Incantation before my sisters and I can raise the Circle of Resistance, all of mankind will suffer!
- 2. (Berkeley) Well I have been looking for a partner with nice teeth who can open his heart, share in my personal growth practice, and explore the deeper essences with me. Someone who understands the nature of radiance, and knows that eating animal flesh is wrong. And someone who will tell that jackass down the block to stop bumping my biodiesel Prius with his fucking tyrannosaurus L370!
- 1. (Deflating) Honey, I've dated Madonna. I've got lithium-ion batteries. The recharger is under my freaking pillow. What could you possibly, possibly do to keep my attention?