A Business Advertisement Memo:

"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."

My Mouse Cleaning

Being annoyed that my mouse was not reacting right as I programmed today, I decided to clean my mouse. I flipped over the mouse and removed the mouse ball. Of course I drop the ball and I had to get on the floor to find the ball lying behind my filing cabinet. So I get the ball back and sit in my chair.

To my horror I see what looks to be a giant's belly button with 10 years worth of lint sticking to all of the wheels inside the mouse. Normally if I was home I would use tweezers to break the crap off of the wheels and be done in seconds, but I am at work so I have no tweezers. What I really needed was a weed whacker to get the fuzz out of it. So I went over into the kitchenette and got a trusty white plastic fork.

The fork actually performed well as I dug the crud out. It took me 10 minutes of scraping and banging to get the dirt out. Now my mouse works fine and I can program in peace.

Heat Transfer

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

Cubical Heat

I feel like a chicken on the spit on display at work. My cube feels like 100 degrees. I have a habit of taking off my shoes while I sit back and program to release some of the heat. Some people say all of the heat in my cube is caused by the three 21in monitors in my cube. Others say it is all of the flouresant lights about my cube.

I really think the cause of the heat under my site is a direct doorway to hell. Maybe that was why I got the cube directly across from the microwave and sink. Every afternoon when my stomach is growling for dinner someone pops popcorn. This makes me want to eat more. Man the more I think about it the more work is turning into hell.

While I want an airconditioning unit hanging out the side of my cube, other people have space heaters in theirs. So how do I feel like I am in hell and they are in Alaska? I need to sit on ice cubes and they want to sit on a fire.

Man I am just ranting away, am I making sense? Wait do I ever make sense?